A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Oh boy, $150,000!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
i wish i could marry a nap
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?