A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.