A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Home #decor warning.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”