A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Thank you corporation very cool
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?