Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Dead sexy!!

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

i could never be president. im overqualified.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers