Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

i was dropped as an adult

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.