A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings