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@Rollmaninoz

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@JocMaxedOut

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

@FunnyBison

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

@SteveSuckington

If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.

@CanadianCyn

The garbage man is late.

I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.