Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

They must have gotten it to go.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.