A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…


I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.


Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.


A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”


Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*


Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.


my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?