A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
March 16
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.