A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
you will never know the true number of layers
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*checks Timeline*…
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
The “baby” on the left….
