A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
