Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

it takes so much energy

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly