a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Potatoes were such a good idea
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.