Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.