A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting