A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.