@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
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@Sanbel11: [job interview for psychic] INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? ME: Well played.
@pizzajaynow: You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
@NicestHippo: "Can you explain this Gap in your work history?" Yes that's when I worked for the popular clothing retailer