@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
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@Phook75: My wife asked me to order a new chefs knife today and now I’m thinking she’s tricked me into purchasing her murder weapon
@TheBoydP: I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
@Browtweaten: Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased Me: Maybe he'd like to be acarroted instead Cult Leader: ... Wife: Omg I can't take you anywhere
@Blarebare: My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.