Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

i wish we could shoplift online

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out