A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!