A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You Might Also Like
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.