A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again