Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

first you must answer his riddles

How about daylight saves us for once

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.