Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I’m giving up ice.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Something Saturday.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this