Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet