A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
You Might Also Like
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My teenage children choosing violence
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol