A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]