A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
This meal prepping shit easy
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
sensitive skin
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.