A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.