Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant