A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You Might Also Like
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.