A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
prepare for carbonated trouble
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
the saddest jazz hands ever
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?