A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
It’s a gift
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?