Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.