A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.