Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvU4JsiXgAEGwof.mp4

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care