A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
more water
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too