Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol