A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
reduce, reuse, recycle
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Spotted in New Orleans.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
