A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh