A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.