Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.