A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?