A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I try
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.