Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

With a text.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.