Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

who’s gonna tell her?

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.