A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Are we there yet?…
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You know…for fall…
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me