Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

The happy life.. 😊

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.