A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day