A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Good news
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Dumple
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*