Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

According to math, I’m broke

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?