A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock