Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

The Joker was right

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

doing your own taxes

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt