A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor