Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone