A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.