Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

The three genders

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.