A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Stop sending me this shit.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Saw your ex at the shops
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow