A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.