A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭