A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I never needed anything more in my life
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Sell your car
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.