A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
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Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.