A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
sigh
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye