A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
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me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school