A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
rest in peas
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs