A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
These work great until they don’t.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.