A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing