Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

😂

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.