a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
No.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The biggest mystery of our time
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP