Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

yeah not falling for this one