Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

tag yourself

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.