Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

courtroom exchange of the day

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.