a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?