Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

You can’t outrun your problems…

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

do what now??

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

i’m sure it’s fine

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade