A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish


Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining


Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes


Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife


You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one


I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.


CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe


When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river


Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!