@grantgirl2004

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@mrsmith196645

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@lincnotfound

her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope

@FredTaming

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd