I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
her: do you believe in astrology?
me: yeah of course stars exist
her: no like horoscopes
me: ohhh, i use a telescope
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd