A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Straight people are cancelled
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
