Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.